Being a new mum is like being thrust back into a school playground. Not primary school where you swop fruit for sweets but secondary school, where every second girl is a right bitch.
This wouldn’t be a problem except that, until you get a grip on yourself (still haven’t), you get a bit desperate for people to talk to about every single detail of your life.
You get sucked in to several black holes (think Facebook due date groups, net mums, mums net – and WTF is this new MUSH app?)
You’re exposed at your bleakest times to hundreds of people, all just as hormonal as you.
The internet becomes as real as face to face at this time, and why shouldn’t it?
But it’s within these black holes, bolstered by local mum meet ups and cake fests, that the BOB’s* are lurking. Only they’re not as obvious as the preppy girls at school – they have about 15 years’ experience in subtlety to boot.
Suddenly size or class no longer defines the catty kids.
They’re thin AND fat, from all walks of life and they’re really not that easy to spot.
Baby Dave** sleeps 6 hours straight, yet they’re still EXHAUSTED and Dave travels EVERYWHERE in the sling because it’s positive for their hip and next developments (urgh, pram thanks).
You’ll know one when you find one though…
Your ‘lovely’ conversations leave you feeling totally bummed out.
Whatever your bubs did, theirs did better.
Whatever new thing you tried, “probably isn’t the best for them at this age”.
They’re clever too– no sooner do you resolve never to bother with them again than you’re grappling again for their advice thinking they must surely know more than you. You’re sucked in and it’s hard to get out.
Well, a word to you BOB’s. Yep, HOLD UP MISSY!
We know who you are.
We go to each other for support when you make us feel naff. You’ll never know because we’ll carry on treating you with the same respect we treat everyone.
It’s taken me along time to realise that, if my choice for company is you, I’m better of alone.
Oh, and, rest assured – you ain’t coming to Noah’s first birthday party – his decision, not mine – soz.
*Bit of a Bitch
**Nothing against Dave
Side statement: Thanks to the lovely girl who inspired my post today; your support is sparkling and I love our little BOB beating chants.