The Seven Mums of Christmas

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I’ve been doing my research and identified the official Seven Mums of Christmas! I’m thinking of recording a charity track to honour them! 

We know them. We are them. We love to hate them. But we love them anyway! 

 

The Secret Santa Mum

She organises Secret Santa for EVERYONE.

Even your dog.

You know she’s rigged it too because you’ve been lumped with Wheezy Wendy who is allergic to air and her Secret Santa is your rich new American friend who only shops in Joules.

You and your best friend have to exchange gifts in secret so as not to be seen as disruptive.

The Amazon Mum

She started adding to her basket January 1st in a bid to be über organised and sales savvy.

She revels in her success of avoiding the highstreet.

It all goes to shit when she realises she owes three grand on her Amazon account and a third of it’s now out of stock.

Once she’s rectified this and maxed out the mastercard she chooses to be ‘out’ when her 87 parcels are delivered leaving poor Betty next door to pick up the slack.

A Hermes mail man leaves a rude note through her door after parcel 86, she sends it to the Daily Mail and the courier give her £100 in Amazon vouchers.

Bitch nailed it.

The Crafty Mum

Designed only to make you feel wholly inadequate, she makes everything from gingerbread decor to crafted bronze handprints.

From her farm house – whilst Fraiser and Beatrice pose perfectly for her Pinterest pictures.

You can only assume the twins were conceived by immaculate conception because her rolling pin is stuck so far up her bum she is unable to fornicate.

The Stingy Mum

Believes no baby should be bought ‘real presents’ before the age of three.

She bangs on about how they much prefer wrapping paper and boxes to Chad Valley.

Unfortunately, she’s probably right.

She has indulged in a stocking, but only to insert coal and maybe a satsuma if they’re turning bad.

 The Present Brag Mum

Buys everything.

Posts it on Facebook and calls it a ‘bargain’.

Forgets what she’s bought, buys more then won’t split the bill because she’s skint.

NOTHING matters more than her child’s face on Christmas Day.

Child plays only with boxes. Stingy mum feels smug.

The Tree Tit

She erects her Christmas tree November 1st ‘because Halloween is over’.

Her life is so mind numbing that it has no meaning beyond the celebration of public holidays.

Insists on buying a real tree and is left with an anorexic twig come Christmas Day.

She hashtags it “authentic” on Twitter

The Blogger Mum

She becomes a whirlwind of Christmas Gift Guides and seasonal recipes positioned next to her idyllic child adorned with soft lighting.

She forgets she’s spent 11 months telling you what an ass hole this toddler is so you can only assume she’s drugged him.

You can’t judge because you’re planning to do the same! 

 


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3 Comments

  1. 24th November 2016 / 8:27 am

    This was funny. I’m not sure which mum I am but I’m def not a bragger. I hate the pics of Christmas day presents on facebook, like who honestly cares 🙂 #thepod

  2. 24th November 2016 / 9:16 am

    I LOVE this. Had me chuckling! I think I’m a Tree Tit. The only reason I’m not this year is because we’re moving house, otherwise my tree would have been up weeks ago and I’d permanently smell of mulled wine.

  3. 25th November 2016 / 9:03 pm

    LOVE this. I’m a cross between a stingy and an Amazon mum, although have to admit as of tonight I’ve finished my Christmas shopping (but only because I don’t buy the Child much). Thanks for linking up to #nofilter

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